Crazy cat chasing screen mouse
I never speak of how I really feel.. you know.. that deep inside, deep inside of your mind feel.. because I truly think I don't even know myself. I am happy enough to be happy. (Does that make any sense?) I like where I'm going, I like who have, I like where I have been..but there are so many insecurities, so many doubtful thoughts.
And that is what I think is eating me alive. What is eating my soul. What makes me not want to crawl out of bed, give him that kiss or answer that call. What prevents me from picking up the camera or finishing homework. It holds me back.
And I let it get the best of me because I learn to live with it neglectfully. Because I do not what I am living with. I have to figure out what the problem is before I can begin working on solving it.
I have spoke to so many people about it and a few are surprised. Surprised that I feel the way I do. They figured I was just happy, that I had as much confidence as shown on the outside, etc. Truth is, I am happy. I do like myself. I really, really do. I like my personality. But then why am I so doubtful? Insecure? Why do I allow these things to prevent me from being me? Never good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not tall enough. Not skinny enough. Not outgoing enough. Not free spirited enough. You not enough of enough so what's the purpose, Ms. Not Enough?
There are days.. no wait.. moments where I am queen of confidence. I like those moments. But do I really? Is that me? How can I be that person? Am I for sure that is me? How can I know for sure who is me if I am struggling terribly to find my place?
Another reason why I don't talk much about it (besides the fact that it's confusing..) is that I hate to hear that I just want attention or that I am being stupid. And I am little embarrassed. Why am I at this age with a good future, good family and all the rest but still feeling like this? Is it really that hard? Am I really struggling that hard?? What. is. it.
There is hope, I think. Through it all, there must be. Some hope. Something. This cannot be what it is. This cannot be it all. This is not what I signed up for. Or maybe I the problem. Maybe I expected more and I am disappointed since things didn't come out the way it did. But how could that be if I never expected much?
You're on your own. I'm on my own. We on our own. It's okay that this all has made a deep permanent home. But it could have left a damn brochure at the front door or a guide or something. But no. Nothing. It feels like I'm fighting demons. Inner demons. They're big, angry and hurtful. And they laugh at me all day. They laugh, live and breathe off of the negative energy. They love it. But when I break through.. when I do break through.. and when I shine.. oh when I shine.. when I say 'f**k that sh*t' and forget all those negative things and feel free, alive and worthy - they are gone. Long gone. Until I allow them back in.
There is hope.