Jun 20, 2012

On My Heart - My photo's

There's a story behind my photo's, and here it is.

[Photo's are small purposely - click to view size]

"Have you done any photo's lately? Why do you like doing taking and editing your photo's so much? Why do you have so many on your Facebook?", a friend ask me recently.

I was shock, and a little defensive, but I lowered my guard.  

"I don't know.. I just like to. It's a hobby. Just something I like to do.." was my response. 

While laughing she then said "Umm.. oh okay.."

I've always taken photo's in hopes of magically becoming really good at it over night. I've have gone through several of cameras (disposables and digital) since I was about 8. I never search for tutorials.. I refuse to take any classes.. I figured that if I could see it then I could make it happen. How unbelievably corny does that sound? But it's true. And I did. Well.. I tried. 

[Previous photo's from the past few years]

[Btw - 95% of the photos there on the left were taken after my loss]

Left a stupid and abusive at-the-time boyfriend, dropped out of high school and began my college education extra early, met Matthew and worked on and off at several places (Starbucks, Old Navy, County, Steve & Barrys, individualize tutoring - to name a few) from 2005 to now. Took many photo's, traveled a bit with the fam, saw Matt about everyday and studied my butt off.

In March of 2010 while camera-less and bored I hopped online in search for a photo contest and I found many but entered a few. I aimed for one that was giving away a used camera. I really didn't like the camera but since I am such a cheap sake I thought it was worth a shot as I didn't want to purchase a new camera. Roughly a month later after my submission I won 1 of 5 camera's. I was pretty stoke about it but the camera collected dust quickly as I neglected it. 

Then one day.. out of the blue.. as I glance over at the camera sitting on a shelf and thinking it was worthless I then told myself "The only way to get out there and get good is by doing it. If you don't get to it, you won't ever get it." This happened on the last week of May of 2010. I had no idea what I was doing but I was determined and I made it happen. I downloaded a photo program called Photoscape and went off from there.

On my birthday in July after eating clams (didn't I say I love them?), listening to my dad brag on about me and eating a shit load of ice cream cake I hoped on our RV and sat staring at the sun. I felt that something was going on. My heart contionusly told me something wasn't right. I felt that way ever since I picked up my camera.. that same day a cousin of mine randomly messaged me on Facebook saying "I didn't know you had a baby." but I never thought second of that. I sat on the roof for about an hour trying to figure out what was going on. I remember thinking about who I was and where I been. I began to question my birthday, my age and my current status in this world. And then I began to think about what in the world was going on around me. What was it that was telling me something and how could I find out before to prevent. But I was left with no suggestions and unanswered questions. Little did I know that in that photo above on my birthday I was several weeks pregnant and 3 months from then I would lose a baby girl.

Once I found out I was pregnant I headed up to my brothers for a weekend. He has 4 young kids and tons of baby stuff so while there I began to slowly pick out stuff to bring back home. 

Then once I arrived back home - it was happening. What wasn't suppose to happen. Then I realize everything I was feeling.. all the warnings, the gut feelings and why my heart felt so heavy came true. It was true and it was real. The heart break, the sadness, and all the rest - it finally arrive. It finally reached it's peak and made it's home for good. 

I spent several of weeks going in and out of the doctors partically everyday. It was extremely extremely extremely extremely hard to deal with. Then it happen. After receiving relief and a break from the heartache she finally came and left. 10/12/10

3 days after
I quickly came to a conclusion that what happen to me was wrong and that I didn't deserve any of it. Not that anyone deserves any sort of loss but I couldn't come to terms why me. I felt that I was good enough person so why me? If I wasn't good enough then why be given in the first place? 

3 weeks after

I tried to step away from the camera but I couldn't. I knew this was a test and a big process. I decided to slowly document each and everyday through it all.

2-3 months after
Would I be in the wrong to say I always knew I was going to have some sort of loss? I never hoped for it, but I could feel it. Long before I got good with my photos, long before I met Matt, long before I came who I am today. I knew it would happen, I knew it would be girl.. I just didn't know when, with who, or how. But I knew I would experience it all unexpectedly and I knew that it would be extremely dramatic and heartbreaking but life changing and the best thing ever.

5-6 months after

I can't tell you why my heart was giving me warnings for the worse..
I can't tell you why I suddenly got better at what I always wanted to do..
I can't tell you why there were so many connections..
I can't tell you if there connections were real or just a coincidence..
I can't tell you if she, God or another unexpected supernatural or existence were behind all of this..

But I can tell you that is all for real.. and whatever the meaning behind it all turn out to be a beautiful, beautiful thing.  

As for my friends question - I take photo's because I enjoy the time spent. I like the purpose behind them all.  
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  1. If you ever stop taking photos i will kick your ass! I love them!

  2. Your story is heartbreaking! I am so sorry.
    But you are SO TALENTED! And it is worth it to invest in your talent that brings you joy!

  3. My heart hurts for your loss. I am so sorry. Your photos are amazing. You are very talented and I love looking at them. I wish I was half as good as you are in your craft. Keep on doing your thing, and whoever tries to make you feel negatively about them can go to hell. You are wonderful! HUGS!

  4. I agree with Carolina, you're a fantastic woman Nicole:-)



  5. These photos are amazing!
    You have been through so much and my heart goes out to you <3

  6. Loved the post, its amazing!


  7. i love your photos! i take a million pics that are not nearly as nice as any of yours, your friend would probably think i'm a total nut job :)

  8. Beautiful post! All our reasons are so diverse and personal... for me, I take photos because I see something beautiful and I want to thank God for it... each exposure is taken in gratefulness. Some people will never understand that. My in-laws make fun of me. To my face. Because I take pictures all the time. Keep it up! Your photos are beautiful, and so are you.

  9. I LOVE this, you have such a passion and it's infectious.

  10. i'm so sorry to read this. and i'm sorry for your loss. it's a heavy feeling no matter how long ago it happened. i think your photos are beautiful, and friends should embrace your talent and your passion and love it about you. i think you are so talented, and i hope you stick with it!

  11. Sometimes people ask questions not because they want an answer but because they want to make you feel bad, weird but true. You gave the perfect honest answer.

  12. Those are funny questions from your friend. I also share your passion for photography. Keep up the good work!

  13. A heartbreaking story but a happy ending. We always move on and grow and change, even after heartache.

  14. I'm so sorry. You're an artist and your medium is photography. It will always be there for you--just like my writing is me. And don't ever stop--trust me--you'll become a person you never wanted to be.

  15. Such a sad story - I'm sure it wasn't easy to share, so thank you for sharing it!

  16. I'm glad you had something you were passionate about to help you get through such a difficult time...so sad to hear but good to know that you are in a positive place now.

    xo erica

  17. Sometimes from loss we are granted small gifts from outta nowhere that we didn't expect but that help us get through a difficult time.

    Your pictures are great & you're very brave to share your story like this x

  18. beautiful blog.
    Kisses from Italy! :-*

    Habanero Handmade

    BLOG: http://habanerohandmade.blogspot.it

    FANPAGE FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Habanero-Handmade-Fanpage/119842804790054

  19. You are a survivor girl - keep doing what you love, you are great at it :)


  20. Have you ever thought about selling your work?

  21. you are amazing.. and an inspiration!! you'd better not stop taking photos because you are such a talent!

  22. But a moving post. I am so sorry for your loss and I am glad that pictures have made life beautiful for you.

  23. This is a great post with nice pictures. I am so sorry for your loss, I hope you do better soon.


  24. I think your photos are incredible. You definitely have a natural talent for it. I am so sorry about the loss of your baby. I could feel your heartache in this post. You are one stong woman!

  25. This is such a heartbreaking story, but also a story of some amazing strength on your part. Keep on taking those beautiful photos, and don't let anybody question it! Thank you for sharing.

  26. I have tons of pics on my FB and I will NEVER let anyone make me feel bad for it. Nor should you! Enjoy them, because they are yours to enjoy!

  27. Oh darling, my heart breaks for you. But I love the pictures that have and still are coming from it!