[Crappy shot of rain]
I think I do pretty well with coping with my loss. I rarely ever speak about it to any one including Matt. I can often hide my facial emotions when needed to. I am a naturally shy and sensitive person so I tend to keep many things deep within. The only time I ever really talk about it is on here. I keep to myself because others wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand why I get a little up-tight about every 12th of the month or every Tuesday. They wouldn't understand why I sort of dodge the sight baby girl clothing in stores. They wouldn't understand why the small amount of hair on my back stands when ever I hear the word Miracle. They wouldn't understand the love, the grief, the thoughts, the feelings. I fear any negative feedback when it comes to my loss. I seriously hate when I hear such things as (or similar to) what happen was okay, it happen so long ago, have another baby to forget this, it's not/was that serious, you could have another one, at least you didn't lose Matt or your mother or someone else close to you. When you have not gone through it you simply cannot understand. It is also (to me) a little embarrassing.
Today Matt, I and 2 other friends walk down together an canal path heading towards a friends house. The boys were laughing, joking and talking about other stuff while I was listening. I was enjoying the cloudy sky, the walk with my love, the food in my belly.. it was all great. Then I looked over to my right. There was a playground and a woman with her (what look like) 1 year old daughter. Then it all hit me. Hard.
The first feeling that came about was missing her and then the thought was "I want my baby". I walked the rest of the way tearing up, face feeling warm and red and what felt like a knot in my throat that didn't want be swallowed. I glance frequently at Matt and our friends to 'pull off' my feelings but they all were still there steady and hard. It sounded like a thunderstorm was surrounding me only pushing a thousand pounds of sadness on my shoulders, chest, legs and all within my blood stream. I seriously just wanted to drop down to ground, roll up in a ball and cry.
A million more thoughts came through mind. I thought about how I hate myself so much, what if I never get pregnant again, how much I want a baby but do not at the same time, that day, the ultrasounds, what if history repeats itself. I began to try to breathe easy. I sort of walked ahead by a foot-in-length that way they were behind me just in case I finally burst.
Then I started to get mad. I never allow myself to get like this. For the sake of school, Matt and myself I stay positively strong as I know I have the strength to do so. But why now? Of all the women I have came across.. of all the babies.. why now?
We finally got to our destination. I just stayed away to myself staring at the carpet thinking continuously. Then a friend randomly took out a bag of Hot Cheetos. By now I was ready to run out of the door. Hot Cheetos is what I was craving obsessively while pregnant. I stared at them all eating away at one of my childhood favs. Eventually a friend ask me kindly to check out something on his phone and I totally shot him down. Matt began to question me and was by my side asking why I was upset. I went on to tell him not to be concern and he want on about caring and getting it out of me. Eventually we went outside to talk but before we even could walk out the door tears began.
What is wrong? You need to tell me. You are crying. What is wrong?
Don't worry about it; I'm fine; it's not that serious.
I want to know. I love you. tell me I need to know.
It's nothing please, it's not serious, it's stupid.
We went on and on until I finally cut him off and said..
"When we were on the canal walking to here I saw a woman at the park with a 1 year old little girl and I thought 'that is suppose to be me' and it is stupid because I never get like this ever but just a little bit ago I did. It just hurts so much... like it hurts really really really really really bad. I just want to get up and run far far away from here forever."
Phew. Man. What a big relief.
He didn't laugh. He didn't cut me off. He didn't put me down or think less. Actually he said 'aww' and then said "I know I have felt the same sometimes." Tears come about on and off hours after. He told me to just let it all you.
Lesson learn today: