I don't care about how I look. I don't care if I lay in bed 3 hours after waking up. I don't care if I over eat. I don't care if I don't return that call. I don't care about doctor appointments. I don't care about cutting that person off. I don't care about filling that bowl with cat food.
I had so little interest for anything, and it was noticeable. It became my favorite saying. Then, at some point or another, the saying was necessary.. like now.
One of Matt's (my boyfriend) idiotic sisters is pregnant. Now, before you jump into conclusion of me being 'jealous' of her, I've never liked her and she's a b*t*h. She has caused pointless drama towards me and that has cause me to lose a sh*t loud of respect towards her. And, before you judge me for judging her, Matt is well aware and thinks less of her too, always has.
The problem is; it does make me mad and I don't care. We are talking about someone who loves problems, has been with many guys, has a few kids that were taken by the state, selfish, bipolar, weed loving, ignorant fool...... Am I being too harsh? (Sorry, babe!)
Any woman pregnant that by passes doesn't not bother me. Actually, I'm happy for them. Babies are cute as well as pregnant women are too! (After all, why should I judge a pregnant woman or a mother with her baby who I do not know base on her looks??) But people like that above piss me off. It's like, how in the world can you be given a baby (possibly to keep) and I can't? That above is another great example of my I don't care.
I'm not perfect and I know I am young but I don't care. I had an apartment almost ready, I was given a bucket load of money and had tons and tons of toys, clothes, furniture, other necessary things and my schedule was going to accommodate around this little life that was growing inside of me.... Why is that a girl like me (although young) had pretty much all the necessary things and support could not keep her baby but another girl who doesn't have any where to close of anything has been given 3-4 babies? I am selfish, but am I being toooo much? And that is why I don't care. I have my reasons!
Often I tend to sit back and tell myself that it is okay just to snob all day in bed while watching cheesy romantic films and eating sweets. As if I deserve it. Honestly, I think I do. I deserve the I don't cares. I deserve having time to myself to think, cry, feel sorry, to express my feeling.....
Sometimes, even now, the I don't care kicks in. Simple things as in what I want to eat or where I want to go have no purpose. Often I hate it. It makes me feel so unattractive to Matt. Low blows are okay, every one has them but I know he don't like them. I'm certain their okay because he accepts me as I am but they are so low.. so life lifeless.
Unfortunately, those I don't care's can quickly turn into excuses. But it does get easier, and it has. To ease up my day, I love listening to my boyfriends voice. Even if it's a meaningless conversation. I would honest drop kick myself to answer that call from him. Doesn't even any one else (even if you haven't experience a pregnancy or infant loss) have those 'I don't care' moments?
Meanwhile, here is a little animated photo I created of me bathing my cat. She truly hates water, but loves me.