Mar 20, 2012

The 'I don't care'

After losing my baby I developed a bad attitude - that I don't care one.

I don't care about how I look. I don't care if I lay in bed 3 hours after waking up. I don't care if I over eat. I don't care if I don't return that call. I don't care about doctor appointments. I don't care about cutting that person off. I don't care about filling that bowl with cat food.

I had so little interest for anything, and it was noticeable. It became my favorite saying. Then, at some point or another, the saying was necessary.. like now.

One of Matt's (my boyfriend) idiotic sisters is pregnant. Now, before you jump into conclusion of me being 'jealous' of her, I've never liked her and she's a b*t*h. She has caused pointless drama towards me and that has cause me to lose a sh*t loud of respect towards her. And, before you judge me for judging her, Matt is well aware and thinks less of her too, always has.

The problem is; it does make me mad and I don't careWe are talking about someone who loves problems, has been with many guys, has a few kids that were taken by the state, selfish, bipolar, weed loving, ignorant fool...... Am I being too harsh? (Sorry, babe!)

Any woman pregnant that by passes doesn't not bother me. Actually, I'm happy for them. Babies are cute as well as pregnant women are too! (After all, why should I judge a pregnant woman or a mother with her baby who I do not know base on her looks??) But people like that above piss me off. It's like, how in the world can you be given a baby (possibly to keep) and I can't? That above is another great example of my I don't care.

I'm not perfect and I know I am young but I don't care. I had an apartment almost ready, I was given a bucket load of money and had tons and tons of toys, clothes, furniture, other necessary things and my schedule was going to accommodate around this little life that was growing inside of me.... Why is that a girl like me (although young) had pretty much all the necessary things and support could not keep her baby but another girl who doesn't have any where to close of anything has been given 3-4 babies? I am selfish, but am I being toooo much? And that is why I don't care. I have my reasons!

Often I tend to sit back and tell myself that it is okay just to snob all day in bed while watching cheesy romantic films and eating sweets. As if I deserve it. Honestly, I think I do. I deserve the I don't cares. I deserve having time to myself to think, cry, feel sorry, to express my feeling.....

Sometimes, even now, the I don't care kicks in. Simple things as in what I want to eat or where I want to go have no purpose. Often I hate it. It makes me feel so unattractive to Matt. Low blows are okay, every one has them but I know he don't like them. I'm certain their okay because he accepts me as I am but they are so low.. so life lifeless.

Last night was an I don't care type of night. I tossed and turned in my bed so pointlessly giving myself the okay of missing that class this morning because I'm doing good in it anyways. Although the night was approaching to 2am, who cares? I normally don't fall a sleep until after 2 anyways. After all; I went to bed the night before at 12ish after drugging myself with Benadryl to knock me out. Although I need to make quite a few phone calls in the morning, who cares? Pushing them up an hour, two or three won't cause a lot of harm. Who cares you'll probably won't awake until like 11 and won't start your day til like 2, Nicole?   

Unfortunately, those I don't care's can quickly turn into excuses. But it does get easier, and it has. To ease up my day, I love listening to my boyfriends voice. Even if it's a meaningless conversation. I would honest drop  kick myself to answer that call from him.  Doesn't even any one else (even if you haven't experience a pregnancy or infant loss) have those 'I don't care' moments?

Meanwhile, here is a little animated photo I created of me bathing my cat. She truly hates water, but loves me.

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  1. I personally can't attest, but I know quite a few people who have gone through a pregnancy loss and feel the same way. I can't imagine myself NOT feeling like that though.
    And on a lighter note, that flower!! All of the pictures are neat, but I just LOVE that flower!

  2. No one can blame you for the way you feel. For what you went through, you have the obligation to the 'I don't care' acts. And there are countless times where I have sat back and also judged women who are pregnant, who get to have children, comparing them to the women who can't.. or have lost, who ultimately deserve that. Chance to bring another into this life. But we all have our very purpose to being on this world. Keep your chin up and find yours darling! :)

  3. Hello Nicole,I can understand your feelings, because my mom lost her baby boy when she was six months pregnant.

    Warmest regards:)


  4. aww babe i hope you're doing ok! my thoughts and prayers are with you!!

  5. After child loss we often ask ourselves why me? why not her? I have 2 friends one has 5 and one who has 6 healthy children, they both smoked with all their pregnancies, they are fantastic moms though but often I always think 6 kids, 5 kids and I couldnt even have one healthy child. Shouldnt the odds have been in my favour not theirs? We have talked about it and they have actually thought the very same thing.Why me and not one of them?

    Its natural to have all these thoughts and feelings and it's natural to feel the I dont care as well -as long as we dont let it overwhelm our whole lives.

    I love your photos and love the kitty bath, I am dreading when I have to try and bath kitty next. She is even worse than yours when it comes to water. I dont even think I could get it the worlwind of claws, hisses and teeth on film LOL

    ps thanks for checking up on me Nicole, I know it's been awhile since Ive posted, I think I am at the point now where I feel just all talked out on my blog. Maybe that will change, maybe it's just being very sick all the time with this pregnancy that makes me feel that way.I am still checking up on everyone else though and sending love.xo

  6. Oh hon, I hope you're doing okay. I can see how it would be easy to sink into not caring.

  7. I definitely have those I don't care moments from time to time.

    I hope things look up for you.

  8. Thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay ...

  9. Hang in there! Sometimes it's ok not to care for a bit I think, as long as you remember the important things.

  10. Thinking of you. It can't be easy and I think similar to you sometimes as well. When I see young women (young girls really) get pregnant totally unprepared and seemingly unable to cope I get anxious and bitter thinking - what if I have problems becoming pregnant? I want a baby. I can provide for it. I'm ready. Stay strong beautiful.

  11. I'm so sorry - I lost my son. I won't go into the details because you need smiles, not more sad stories. I wasn't irritated by other peoples kids either, but I got really mad when my brothers wife was pregnant. The emotions that come and go are so all over the place. I felt like she was rubbing it in my face all the time - in fact, I'm pretty sure of it. Anyway, listen to me being a sour puss. I'm thinking of you and wish you billions of tons of happiness.

  12. I think these are totally valid feelings...(as nearly all feelings are). I think it's when feelings turn into actions/excuses that they do because a bit more problematic. But I find, if I let myself feel them, let myself accept them - I deal better.

  13. how suh-weet!!! your cat is so cute <3 and i love that you made a mini slideshow on bathtime. how funny!!!

  14. oh i'm sorry you lost your child hon...oh how deeply i ache for you...

    it's ok to have these times, oh man, FEEL it when you need to...