Feb 14, 2012

Dear Matthew,

{I wish I had some pictures to post but I am writing this off of my iPod as I am impatiently wait for class to begin. Please excuse any errors and such.}

To me today is like any other day. Sad to say but every day is celebrated as such; at least it is for me. I remember years ago today I was in Walgreens watching people (men and some women) rushing in and out to grab a gift for their love. Most of these people never even look at the product or the price. As long as they had something nothing else matter. I don't think it's 'okay' for either or (man or woman) to only acknowledge the person they love only today, it should be every day. But that is just me and who am I to say for everyone else.

I love you. I love you today, I love you tomorrow, I loved you last night and the night before last. Yesterday, a week ago, two months, 3 years ago and so on. Every day, all day. From sun up to sun down even in my sleep. Pure bliss, love and dreams.

When I was younger I assumed when I fell in love all my issues within myself; shyness, insecurities, lack of trust and some more, would all disappear. I then learned they wouldn't but that is okay. Thanks to your unconditional love and support all has been easier to deal with.

I love to hear your opinions (as we were discussing a little bit ago). Although I may sound tired or not interested; I am listening. I love to watch and listen to you play your little instrument (damn it, I forgot what its called!!!!) You are so talented. It makes me happy to know your an natural at it. No self taught, never watch a tutorial.. you just it pick up and that was it. Pure amazement I tell you.

I like to watch you ride and skate. I like to analyze your strong built body structure. Not only is it extremely attractive it makes me feel safe to know you are a good protected.

I like to listen to your voice. You are adorable. You have a sweet tender loving voice that gets me every time. I like to listen to your jokes. Most are harsh and truthful towards others but their from you so I never have second thoughts.

I like to think of your mom and dad and thank them for having you. I like to think of their parents and thank them, and so on. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't have you.

I notice everything you do. I notice all the little things and the major ones. I appreciate them all even if it may not seem like it. I'm sorry if you ever felt that way.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect and that is something I have trouble dealing with everyday. I know at times I am misunderstanding, hard to deal with, sensitive and have many unexplained insecurities. But I am trying. I am trying to overcome them all. I am trying to teach myself every day, accept the unpredictable and accept that I am good enough. It's hard. It's a long uneven road with a lot of dips and unseen turns. I try to avoid falling in or off this path but sometimes I can't. And when I do I then need to pick myself up. Over and over and over again. Constant, steady, several days a week or even a few times a day. Bare with me as you have been. I know it's not easy, but I thank you.

I sort of laugh inside when friends and others say I am 'strong woman for dealing with it all for this long' or anything related. After all, isn't that what I am suppose to do? It's not hard at all, I just go with the flow. It is somewhat surreal, natural and I love it. If someone would have told me 3 years and 10 months ago all that we were going to go through; your knee injury, fights, moving a lot, losing a baby, stupid people and all in between, I would had look at them like they were crazy. Of all the stuff that has happen I am happy it was all with you. I don't think I would have gone through it all without your support, with each other’s support. I don't know how in the world I would have made it through.

I am sorry that often it seems like I'm carrying the entire world on my shoulders. I don't mean to put it on you, blame you, or put you down. I really don't but I do blame others and I do put it all on the next person and it hurts them. I really truly don't mean too and I know I hurt you as well as others. I just have so much at one time. Home work, class work, seeking funds for school, countless things I need to remember, trying my hardest to get into physician assistant school. It's a lot all in one in such a little amount of time. I'm sorry. I really don't mean the negativity. 

Of it all.. of the past, my emotions, personal issues and schooling I still chose you and my family first (& Midnite too). Over everyone and everything. Regardless of who it is, for or why you guys are still all #1.

Despite all the lies that others say to try to keep us apart whatever they try, whatever they say, where they go I know they are wrong. I do listen to others however I'm not like your ex who allowed them to take over, change her and turn her into the person she is today. Instead I like to listen, comphrend and find whatever flaws that can be fix. We are not perfect and what the enemy is saying should be taken for consideration. We  can improve ourselves and our relationships with those around us. Keep in mind; I listen to them, but I don't care.

You saw me periodically for 2 years and I chased you for 2 days. In sorry that we both were the wrong side of town. We just didn't know at the time. But you are right: many things wouldn't have happen if we pay closer attention. As I've said before I feel that we were much closer then we think. Even at the tender age of 7. There is just too much connection but so much possible prevention. It's so bad it's hurts.

I know you love me. I know you love me, your parents and other family. You have a big sweet heart, a kind soul and warm funny pleasant welcoming. Sometimes you cause me to breathe easy as well as hard. I love you so much, I always will. The future doesn't fear me while with you. I want to take little trips up state for the weekend.. see new places together.. embrace the new atmosphere, beauty and people. I want it all, just like you. 

Today I will not be able to see. That is fine with me. I am not sad. I know you are mine and I am yours. You accidentally injured your lower back last night while play fighting with your dad. I heard your pain and your cries for hope and told you quite a few times to not stress today. You don't need the extra stress, pain or put in any effort just because today is Valentines Day. We love each other every day, we respect each other every day, we appreciate each other every day. Every day is every day and there is no difference between yesterday, today and tomorrow. I still love you either way. You may not recall but we didn't spend out first Valentines Day together. 

I love you a lot Matthew. Always and forever. I know this isn't the best letter in the world but I tried. I tried because I love you and care for you and look up to you. One day we'll travel as we always wanted to and we'll meet a lot of interesting people and see things we never imagined. One day we'll fight and end up sobbing away on each others shoulders. One day we'll eat to much junk food, have a terrible case of diarrhea and spend more time pretend fighting over the toilet than anything else. One day we will both be at our county court house with marriage papers in our hand. We will take 3am trips to Taco Bell or Dunkin Donuts. We will laugh until our stomach hurts over nonsense. One day we will select what furniture we want in our home and even purchase our own home together. One day your last name will officially be my last name. We will disagree. One day we'll have a few babies running around. One day I will teach our children how to spell your last name. One day we will fight about what school to send our kids to. One day we will fight about bills. One day everything, and I love you. 

Happy Valentines Day babe. 
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  1. Aw! this is so sweet!!!!
    happy valentines day!

  2. This is super duper sweet! What was his reaction? Your words are so honest and heartfelt. Happy Valentines Day!

  3. I love the way you express yourself. always have. always will. I love you.

  4. You're so cute! Such a great writer! : )

  5. what a beautiful letter. thank you for linking up and being so open and honest and raw. that's a nice change to read. I agree with you 100%. Saying I love you and doing nice little things ONLY on Valentines Day is just NOT acceptable. I always watch people running in and out for last minute gifts too and think "REALLY?!" Love should be shown, and felt, daily.

    Thanks again for linking up. Please be sure to add a link BACK to my blog so others might be able to link up as well! You can grab the button for the link up from my page, or a simple text "I am linking up today with Heather from Brown Eyed Bell(e) will do. I am not picky :D

  6. Thank you for the comment. I love your style of writing.

    lonely afternoon

  7. What a sweet and thoughtful Valentine's Day gift, I hope that Matthew appreciates it. :)

  8. so very sweet. you two are just adorable!!
    xo TJ

  9. Aw, so sweet! This is the stuff life is made of. =]

  10. Wow, this is so beautiful! What love!

  11. This is a beautiful and heartfelt letter you've written!

  12. Very sweet letter, Nicole! Hope you had a great Valentine's Day and that Matthew is feeling better. :)

  13. This is a wonderful letter. Brought tears to my eyes. Sounds like love!
    Can't wait to follow and read more....
    Love from over here:

  14. beautiful letter!! So sweet to read and feel the love you have for each other! Thanks for linking up with my blog! :)