I've only been with two guys my life. Yeah I'm young but to be honest the way a lot of girls are now a days - I am proud to say.
Before the first one I waited. I like a few boys and a few like me too but we were never girl friend/boy friend or even kiss. That was just me. I rather crush and lust from a far then be too up close and personal. Sometimes I cried for a stupid boy because I didn't know any better but that is all typical little girl stuff. In between it all I played a game in myself. I called this game the waiting game. Of course I truly didn't know who I was going to be or who I wanted to spend my life with but my dad always told me to wait and then all will fall in place. So I did. Wait.
Then number 1 came. Was it good? At the time I thought it was. I was young and stupid and lost in my own little non-realistic world. It lasted on and off then finally I walk away. Of course I fell back in the whole but I was still strong enough to remember the waiting game. I then waited.
I waited a year in a half and let me tell you that was the best waiting I've ever done in my entire life.
Waiting is so good.
Who is number two? To begin with.. that is not his name.
His name is Matthew.
I love this kid so freaking much. He such a sweet, lovable, sensitive soul. He literally gives me goosebumps inside, fills my heart with chocolate and makes my soul feel indestructible. He is the only person (other than my family) who can truly make me laugh and feel it. When we fight or say a few regrettable words man does my heart ache and my cries are so intense. But when I smile and laugh both feel so strong, bright and memorable. It's all so much and I love it.
Waiting is so good. I don't deny waiting.
Why? I've got everything I never imagine to have and that is what I love.
Here is the issue:
I can only for such things as this.
I have a lot a patience and that is a good thing. But what the future holds is going to be hard for me.
I half to play the waiting game in a different way.
With different rules and feelings.
& I have never done this before.
He will be going away. Not for good and his intentions are good as well as the entire situation. He may be going, he may be not. I now wish I could predict the future. Then again I don't. This is the first time in my life that I can think of when I am afraid of the truth. Half of my heart is relaying on him staying, taking another path and over all happy while the other half of my heart is sad, aching and crying because of what can happen.
There is a program here he will soon be apart of. The program is great however it might require him to stay on campus far away. He would be gone nearly a year and it may not possible for us to see each other on weekends. If he was to change his mind and join the army he will then be gone a while too.
I can't wait.
I can't wait that amount of time. I will talk to him everyday, maybe chat on Skype, go to school and continue on with my little life.
But the heart ache.. the intense strong overwhelming in my heart is dreadful. I can feel it now. I felt it yesterday. I've been feeling this for over a month now. Just the thought of not being able to see him is so painful. There are no words.
I've dealt with heart ache before.
Our first baby (a girl) was born still at 22 weeks a little more than a year ago. That heart ache is still there and most likely will always be. But this? This is different. Totally different.
I think I am much stronger then I think I am. Not to sound over confident (because I am not at all) but I've gone through and have overcame a lot in my young life. I know I could get through this. But the heart ache is terrible. For Heaven sake, I chosen one of the hardest careers there is and will have people lives in my hands; I can get through this. But love and friendship is so much stronger. & a year is such a long time.
I did my research. I am willing to take the 3 hour & 4 to5 buses totaling or the 1 1/2 hour drive to see him. But I can't stay there & won't be enough time spend together. We don't see each other every day and rarely there are some days we don't chat on the phone but that is nothing compare to a year. 300 plus so-ish days, 52 so-ish weeks and all the weekends in the between.
I think it's just me. I have a sensitive emotional soul and ache for those I love dearly. Especially the absence of their present. I am always clingy as well as selfish. Ughhh.
I created that photo above back in December. It resembles a lot of how I feel while writing this little post; confuse and lost in my words. I was going to begin writing letters to him while he was gone but as you can see I couldn't even begin.
[[Yes my face did come out totally mess up. I do not look like a beaver, a duck, a rabbit or even a mouse!!]]
I apologize if what I wrote above does not make sense.
I really do.