Jan 11, 2012

Dear.. ? - Big girl

Tonight has became that kind of night, but I'm a big girl.

All was okay up until your dad and I were at one of our usual corners less than a block away from my home kissing each other goodbye. He was extremely sleepy and it made me sad because I know he wasn't looking forward to that two hour bike ride home. I gave him an extra $1 to buy a Arizona drink (sweet drink). When we turn out backs from each other and walk away we said out loud repeatedly "I love you babe/sweetie." 

That was when the teary eyes began. I didn't shed a tear though. I just continue on walking and thinking. 

When I got up to the door I just stood there staring at the dirt where all the pretty pants once were. I planted a bunch of pretty plants in warm August of 2010 while pregnant with your sister. The plants died quickly after losing her. I didn't have the energy to take care of them as I should of and as Fall came around the weather became to cold. Below is a picture of what was left in November 2010.

I stood there staring at the ground. Looking to my right then over to my left. Just remembering. 

I then remember when your dad and I got into a argument in that November. It lead to some hurtful words regarding to your sister. I went outside to calm down but I was to angry. I ripped all what was left in the ground that all. All the dying flowers and the weeds including the little flower seen above.  

Then I took a deep breath and told myself I needed to be a big girl and walked in. I did. Not eventually. Within a second. 

I am going to wash my face and pop a DVD in. I am so happy I have been a big girl lately. 

Love, Mom 

[[Please click here to read the story]]
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  1. I am incredibly sorry for your loss.. Losing anyone you love is unbearable, but your very own baby - the worse.

    Your writings are great, such a wonderful idea! I wish I would have done that while I was pregnant and afterwards until my son was able to read and understand for himself.

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss, the are no words.

  3. Found you after you commented on Molly's blog.... I'm sorry for the loss of your little girl... we lost our second daughter at 22wks as well in November of 2010. My life will never be the same!
    Anyway, just wanted to pop over and say hi!

  4. I'm sorry for the loss of your little girl...that must have been hard.

    However, I love the idea of these letters!! All of the memories that will be preserved...such a great idea.

  5. I am very sorry for what happened. I hope you can grow a new pretty flower again. Be happy always. And in response to your question in my blog: I teach English. =)

  6. Again I am so sorry for your loss. Even though sometimes it may not feel that way but you really have shown so much courage and strength, you can see it in your beautiful pictures. xo

  7. oh my goodness, all my prayers go out to you girl. i am just so proud of your strength!
    xo TJ

  8. Oh sweetie I am so sorry. I went back and read a little of your story. I think that your letter is beautiful and honest and healing. God Bless, and I pray a house full of babies for you.

  9. Found your blog through your comment on Taylor's. I'm so sorry that you lost your daughter. I imagine these letters are healing and hope you continue writing them.

  10. beautiful. sad, but beautiful. thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in this space...

  11. Hi Nicole, thank you for visiting my space. It's nice to meet you. These letters are a unique and beautiful idea! X